What defines our identity?

In the beginning of the year, I shared thoughts on purposeful living, intending to delve deeper into the topic in a series of detailed posts. Life threw some curveballs, but it’s time to get back on track. This series aims to explain why purposeful living leads to greater fulfillment and serves as effective emotional armor against limerence. I’ve touched on honesty, and now let’s reflect on the next element: self-awareness. #Self-Realization

People are intricate beings. Though unique, we share a common origin—two cells merging from our parents, shaping our destiny through a genetic mix. While our biology forms the foundational “hardware,” grasping the intricacies of the “software” in our minds proves more challenging. #Self-Realization

The age-old nature versus nurture debate contemplated how our temperaments unfold. The extremes suggested we’re either bound by heredity or blank slates shaped by the world.

 Reality, however, lies somewhere in between, a blend of both influences.

Certainly, some behaviors are hardwired, like reflexes such as the startle or diving reflex. Additionally, we inherit significant personality traits, known as the big five, from our parents. From a neuroscience perspective, this aligns with the existence of inherent neural systems shared among us all, regulating reward, fear, motivation, arousal, anxiety, and more. Nevertheless, the sensitivity of these systems to various stimuli differs among individuals. #Self-Realization

Imagine having a mom who’s highly sensitive. When she senses danger, her amygdala reacts strongly, leading to panic. This sensitivity has been a part of her since childhood – more prone to tears, fearful of strangers, and avoiding rough play. A neuroscientist would attribute this to her having sensitive arousal and fear circuits, while a personality psychologist would describe her as high in the “neuroticism” trait. 

As her child, you might likely inherit a heightened fear response at an anatomical and physiological level. Growing up, your environment would prioritize attention to threats, and you might avoid adventurous experiences to prevent feeling bad. While our default temperament is inherited, experiences can shape these tendencies. Without self-awareness, we often interact with our environment in a way that reinforces rather than weakens our inherent traits. #Self-Realization

Understanding who we are? #Self-Realization.

Many people don’t ponder the origins of their personalities and temperaments unless life compels them to do so. It’s simpler to coast along without much introspection when everything is going well. However, facing a life-altering event like limerence, bereavement, divorce, or estrangement pushes us to question our assumptions, instincts, and true selves.

Who am I, really? Why am I constantly tired and hopeless? Why do I engage in self-destructive behaviors? When did I lose my sense of happiness? Why is anger consuming me? These questions serve as the starting point for self-awareness, but unfortunately, they often trigger counterproductive storytelling. We tend to construct a narrative that aligns with our subconscious beliefs, rationalizing and selectively editing memories to justify our behavior. This storytelling, akin to limerent rumination, can distance us from the reality of who we are, as it explains our actions through the lens of ego protection. Introspection, as a pathway to self-awareness, has its limits; it must be grounded in facts. #Self-Realization

Let’s begin with the facts.

To truly understand yourself, it’s crucial to release your ego. This doesn’t mean putting yourself down; instead, it involves silencing both the overly critical and overly protective voices in your mind and observing yourself with impartial acceptance. Another perspective I find valuable is approaching self-reflection with unsentimental compassion. Forgive your shortcomings, yet examine them honestly. 

A helpful strategy is to revisit significant life events, focusing on “what happened?” rather than dwelling on “why did it happen?” It’s like starting anew, just collecting information. Consider a personal example—I used to resist social events, convincing myself that they were for losers, extraverts were insincere, and I was a noble, independent soul avoiding the crowd. A delicate, tormented spirit, I believed. #Self-Realization

If I had someone in my life back then who was both tough and understanding, they might have posed some thought-provoking questions:

• How many parties have you been to?
• What went down at the latest event you attended?
• How do you feel when you receive an invitation to a party?
• How comfortable are you with interacting with extraverts?
• How can you understand their emotions?

No need for “why” questions. Stick to facts and interpret fairly without editorializing or mind-reading.

• I haven’t been to many parties.
• During the final one, I experienced feelings of isolation, nervousness, and embarrassment.
• The idea of attending another one makes me feel unwell.
• I don’t have many outgoing friends.
• I’m not sure what they’re thinking.

Now, If faced with an unfriendly judge, they might turn the story around and launch an offensive, claiming I wasn’t independent but rather a coward. They could argue that I lacked the skills to form connections, wasn’t socially charming, and was too afraid to acknowledge these shortcomings to myself. #Self-Realization

Achieving self-awareness involves tuning out self-justification and self-deprecation, and instead, tuning into the genuine voice that genuinely cares about your well-being. It’s okay to acknowledge moments of cowardice, as there’s room for growth and the possibility of learning to be braver. The key is to ask objective questions while embracing a compassionate honesty, as this approach brings you closer to uncovering the truth about yourself. #Self-Realization

I lacked experience, felt socially anxious, preferred solitude, and hesitated to try due to fear of embarrassment.

OK, good. Now what?

Finding Balance In Your Life.

Now, here’s the real challenge. It’s about navigating between the comforting lies that protect your ego and the destructive voice of despair that tells you to give up. You’ve got to realistically assess your capabilities, without sugarcoating it. Make crucial decisions about who you are now and who you want to be. #Self-Realization

For many, it means acknowledging their true temperament and accepting it as their baseline nature—a place of security. The next step is deciding when to work within your limits and when to intentionally push beyond them. I’ve always been an introvert, and that’s okay, but I realized it was holding me back from certain life goals—making more friends, finding a romantic partner, becoming more confident. So, despite the discomfort, I worked on improving my social skills. I intentionally exposed myself to more social events, built up a tolerance for embarrassment, and accepted the discomfort as an inevitable part of the process. #Self-Realization

Life had its ups and downs, but being brutally honest about the situation was crucial for success. Recognizing the impact of excessive socialization, I accepted that it wore me down, and that was okay—it aligned with my personality and limits. Self-awareness involves acknowledging when subconscious desires and fears influence strong urges, balancing them with intellectual understanding. This allows for a conscious decision to either align with intrinsic drives or endure discomfort for greater goals. Understanding your intrinsic nature helps differentiate between fear for safety and fear that traps you. #Self-Realization

Mastering the ability to assess reality objectively, embracing yourself with unsentimental compassion, and consciously choosing when to seek comfort versus growth forms the core of self-awareness. This approach helped me overcome youthful fears, break free from limiting narratives, gain confidence, handle embarrassment, and build a fulfilling life and family. #Self-Realization

Then, unexpectedly, limerence came along and humbled my overconfidence.